TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally away from area. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another place the place American Adult men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Absolutely everyone a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is Trump Tower Damascus comfortable ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he really should quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the project, replied, "You realize, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Place, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following getting the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests may ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "the place's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge the place my PTSD might have turn-down provider."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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